A Penny For My Thoughts I Suppose
Having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome has changed my life
Living with PMOS (Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome) formerly known as PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) has changed everything in my life. It has made me re-evaluate my relationship with womanhood and what it means to me to be a woman. Ive had to change my diet and re-evaluate my relationship with food. It has changed my relationship with my body and my approaches to exercise. It has changed my plans for my future and what I’ve envisioned it might be like several times over. Hard as it is to admit it has taken a toll on my mental health. There seems like there isn’t one area of my life that is untouched, even down to having to explain to my fiancé my surgical scars. However, the thing I refuse to let this diagnosis take from me is my desire to have a family. I know it can be difficult as there are so many think pieces out there as it pertains to surrogacy, adoption and IVF. It seems like no matter what people in my position decide we find ourselves at the center of what feels like never ending judgement and controversy. For everyone who has suffered at the hands of their reproductive system and is simply just trying to find a pathway forward, please know that every decision you make is valid; whether you are choosing to postpone parenthood and use IVF or if you decide to hire a surrogate or adopt. It doesn’t make your journey to parenthood any less meaningful than anyone else’s experience. We are far more than our bodies limit us to, and we deserve to be just as happy as anyone else who hasn’t gone through what we have. I wish you love and luck as you evaluate your options and determine what best suits you.
Wedding Planning…it’s such a happy time and then the details happen.
Wedding planning has become the focal point in my relationship as I am newly engaged. It has been a peaceful but stressful process and I must say that Taylor Swift was spot on about her comments as it pertaining to the wedding guest list. The peaceful part of planning my wedding so far has been the joy of planning it with my fiancé and getting to make decisions together. When we started this process my husband to be definitely led with ,” it’s your wedding, I’ll do whatever you want.” As someone, that prides myself on keeping the people that I love close and enjoying happy moments to there fullest extent privately before sharing it with the world. I pushed back against being the lead on wedding planning because it is “our” wedding. I am so glad that I kept reiterating the “us” and “we” of the planning as my fiancé became enthusiastic about sharing wedding ideas with me. I think it helped that I’ve never vetoed any of his choices and always make sure that we lay everything out so we can make decisions together based off of our other selections in wedding aesthetics. This process of seeing everything together has allowed for balance in wedding planning. The stress of wedding planning has been the guest list. The first advice we were given was to send an invite to everyone and see who responds. We both have relatively large families and that sounded like the catering cost and space necessary to hold everyone would be astronomical. We decided against this idea because it felt like the saying , “the best plan is no plan.” Which felt very irresponsible and we are not an irresponsible couple. So, we dwindled our list to 100 people and while looking at invitations and wedding favors that still felt like far to many people . Envisioning your guest list in your mind is one thing but seeing written out really puts things into perspective. As two private people we looked at each other and dropped out guest list down to 50 total guest. 25 and 25 for each side ensuring that our wedding will be a family only affair. While we as the couple are over the moon with this decision, it became a stress point in evaluating our connections with our family to decide who the 50 would be. After working through the guest list , wedding planning became bliss again.
Two hours from midnight on the eve of my 32nd birthday; these are my thoughts.
So much has changed and yet so much seems to be the same. I remember writing a tumblr post on the eve of my 17th birthday being so excited to have found a site that felt like Narnia and at the same time it felt like home. The website was nearly perfect; what seemed like all my special interest were all in one place. Finally, I could share my thoughts and be part of a community during a time when I felt so very alone. That blog became my safe space; there I wasn’t being judged or talked about in the hushes of teenage whispers . On that blog, I got to freely express and find myself. I crawled from the depths of depression and wrote my way past my grief of losing my grandmother . I suffered my first heartbreak, weeping while typing I faced my perpetual fear of feeling like I would always be alone.
Here on the cusp of 32; I am pleased to say that while grief comes in waves that feeling of perpetual sadness was only temporary. I’m sitting here typing this post next to my soon to be husband and while perfection doesnt exist; im content in this peace that I have been blessed with. I’m not exactly sure about what the future holds; however, I’m excited to where this story goes. I never thought I would find myself ready to blog again. This little plot of land on the internet is my birthday gift to myself.